Tuesday Night Butter Knives.

Make way for the new year! The first post of this year is going to be an advice column. My advice to you is: Do not make the same mistakes as last year. To be honest, I'm not going to miss 2017. But, yet again, I'm afraid of what might be of 2018. Realizing how bad things got last year, I'm fearful that this year might be worse. Already with Kylo Ren shirtless memes rolling around the internet, I'm very afraid.

We celebrate the birthday of Earth. Only three hundred octillion years ago we were nothing but a vial of dust and cancer cells, and then, KABOOM! Millions of aliens surrounded our galaxy, all chanting the phrase, "Do it! Do it!" (Or to be more realistic, "Glee-ploosh! Glee-ploosh!") and their fearless leader, Captain Gobble-Swab created our solar system with one blow. Then the aliens lived on Earth (and named it the same) and created wonderful waterfalls and canyons and the Berlin Wall and the Russian Space Program, and all was beautiful. Until they made dinosaurs. The Space Task Force was furious! "You are not allowed to make weird things!" They said, (or more realistically, "Yo-yo uni goob boop smeegle snoggle borp!") and they banished the aliens from the planet, killed the dinosaurs and made a species called homo sapiens.

"How do you know all of this?" You might ask. "You were there, of course! Right?"

I was not there. Nor was any evolutionist around the world. I simply made it up in my head with no standing or uncontradictory evidence and it's what I believe to this very day. (Like evolutionists.) Happy 3000000000000000000000000000th birthday, Earth.

Now let's review what I did last year.

In January, I went around the United States and the United Kingdom to give out winter coats to the unfortunate. In February, I celebrated Groundhog's Day away from America (where it is celebrated) in a tavern in Derry, Ireland. I attended the opening match of the Rugby 6 Nations (Scotland Vs. Ireland) on the 4th. Then we celebrated English actress Millie Bobby Brown's birthday. I spent the rest of the month in England recording a new LP music album with my band, C.B. Miller. In March we visited the United States and celebrated Phillip Weedin's birthday. We did some hiking and camping, and then April rolled around. We spent Easter in a log cabin down south in Georgia, we went kayaking, fishing, more hiking, and I did a lot of photography. May, we did nothing except travel to South America to film a reality TV Show. After that we were dropped off in America and we were told "You have a one month break. Work out a lot, eat healthy and freaking get kick-butt muscles. You're going to Scotland for two months." So we did insane workouts for six days a week from 5 a.m. to 8 a.m. and then worked in little exercises throughout the day. We were entirely dependent on our wits and our survival skills as we were pushed out of a cargo plane 1.6 kilometers above northern Scotland. With jetpacks, of course. The TV crew got bored of just filming us doing the same thing every day, so we walked to my house in Edinburgh, and then visited Kirkcaldy. And then we filmed more survival skills. We got home in September and then me and my buddies just partied for a while. We traveled Scotland performing in pubs and taverns and then eventually, on October 15th, we got our big break. A record company from America wanted us to perform in Los Angeles for the Stranger Things Season 2 premiere. So we did. And that has got us pretty well-known. November was a breeze as we just traveled playing shows all over the world. We all parted ways in mid-December as we returned home for the holidays. We are to this day still spending time with family but plan to get together again in February this year to try writing more songs, playing more shows and ultimately,

I don't know. I guess nothing is ultimately.

And as always,