A Well-Balanced Breakfast

SO! Look what you got yourself into! You're fat now!

And who ever heard of MICROWAVING your oatmeal!? What a crone!

Now this is gonna show you how to eat the right breakfast.

. Raw egg smoothie, eggshells are OK but not recommended. Remember, raw eggs boost vitamin Q

. Un-toasted toast. Believe it or not, it can give you cancer. Have you ever set a marshmallow on fire? That black marshmallow part can give you cancer. I'm not kidding.

. Oh yeah, don't forget to add burnt marshmallows in your Lucky Charms.

. Your lethal dose of orange juice. Too much can kill you, but it's worth it.

. DON'T microwave your oatmeal. You are putting radiation water in it. Just don't.

. Coffee. Heard of Irish Coffee? DON'T DRINK IT UNLESS YOU REALLY NEED TO WAKE UP.

. Irish Coffee.

. Wait, are you wearing clothes? Go get dressed first!!!

. Smooooooth Jazz

. NEVER eat oranges or bananas. Oranges have TOOMUCH calcium and can kill you (but it's worth it) and, did you know: Bananas are sometimes called 'potassium' sticks? They have WAY toomany potassiums.

. BAGELS? FORGET ABOUT IT! Bagels are just dumb donut wannabes. GET YOUR LIFE TOGETHER!

. With Cream Cheese, bagels are acceptable.

Breakfast should always include protein. Especially after you just woke up at 5:00 and ran four and a half miles and are very hungry (watch out for salami sandwiches) so protein can be very important.

Thank you for letting me give you dieting tips. I'm not an expert so maybe you shouldn't do everything I say, but you know, once shy twice bitten.

. Pancakes? More like, STUPID. EAT WAFFLED YOU DINGBAT.